Fantastic Living in 2010

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2010 when
...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.


2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.


3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.


4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.


5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.


6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.


7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.


8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.


10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.


11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )


12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.


13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.


14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.


15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list


AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.


Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!

State of the Economy

The economy is so bad.....
________________________________________
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEOs are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM..

McDonald's is selling the 1/4-ouncer.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh great!! The guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Don't Mess With Me!

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that
'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us onto the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said,
'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied , without missing a beat,

'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.



Tray-up, B*tch'

Proof Reading is a dying art

(Proofreading is a dying art, would you say?)

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial
Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor
realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction
the next day.

________________________________

I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

No, really? Ya think?

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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!

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Panda Mating Fails;Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!

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Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!

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War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!

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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya think?!

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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!

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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide!

They may be on to something!

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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? Oklahoma's new construction
program!

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Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!

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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough?!

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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!

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Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?

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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!

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And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

What graphic artists do in their spare time - A really good laugh

Here are some good laughs for the day. This is what graphic artists and some computer programmers do in their spare time!

Funnies for women

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Keep reading - they get better!!!

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WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman


wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a

television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping
with

me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him

legally."

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UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.

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MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes

and dislikes."

He addressed the man,

"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,

"It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

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CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a

ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some

tampons for your wife?

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to

the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of

tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

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WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a

word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

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WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women

use a day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat

everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

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WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who

should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here &

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait

for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the

Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed

him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says "HEBREWS"

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The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home

and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his

wife to wake him

at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he

wrote on a piece of paper,

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would


find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM

and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his

wife hadn't wakened him,

when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

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God may have created man before woman, but there is always a

rough draft before the masterpiece

Women's Ass Size Study

Cafepress has added maternity wear to their line of clothing. Here are 2 shirts that make me chuckle. I should have had these when I was pregnant and heard others complaining about small things. They didn't have to deal with nausea and being fat. So this is for them. No Kvetching!



And of course - today's joke!

Women's Ass Size study:



There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric

Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results

are pretty interesting:.



1) 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.



2) 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.



3) The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good

man and they would have married him anyway.

Southern BBQ

As every southerner knows it's time to get ready for that all important cooking technique of the south---outdoor grilling!

I have just found out that there are several stores (not just in the south) where you can get a FREE Bar-B-Q Grill! You can get a free BBQ grill from any of the following stores:

• A&P





• Albertsons





• Costco





• Dan's





• Food Lion





• Fry's





• Home Depot





• Kroger





• Big Lots





• Brookshire's





• Lowes





• Publix





• Safeway





• Sam's Club





• Target





• Vons





• Trader Joe's





• Wal-Mart





• Winn-Dixie

I especially like the higher rack - which can be used for keeping things warm!Just make sure to get a metal one...the Plastic one's don't do so well(I melted 3 of them.) Ya'll enjoy now!!Ya Heair

Now enjoy some t-shirts celebrating a great Southern city

I Love Atlanta t-shirts & Gifts

Atlanta Stars & Stripes t-shirts & Gifts

Math Humor

I thought this t-shirt might go with this joke. Enjoy!

BASIC MATH:

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took
my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and
gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking
at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her
to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he
tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.

Why do I tell you this?

Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

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1. Teaching Math In 1950

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5
of the price. What is his profit?

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2. Teaching Math In 1960

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5
of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

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3. Teaching Math In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80.
Did he make a profit?

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4. Teaching Math In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80
and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

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5. Teaching Math In 1990

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate
and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of
making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question:
How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There
are no wrong answers.)

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6. Teaching Math In 2005

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones
es $80.