Very Very funny Perrier ad

Fantastic Living in 2010

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2010 when
...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.


2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.


3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.


4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.


5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.


6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.


7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.


8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.


10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.


11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )


12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.


13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.


14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.


15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list


AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.


Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!

Confucious Sez

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in

Front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind

Car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one

Chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch butt

Should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many

Prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not

Determine who is right, war determine who is

Left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put

Husband in doghouse soon find him in

Cathouse.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like

Hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in

Glass house should change clothes in

Basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in

Other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator

Smell different to midget.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Person who deletes this has no humor!!!

State of the Economy

The economy is so bad.....
________________________________________
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEOs are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM..

McDonald's is selling the 1/4-ouncer.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh great!! The guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Watch whatcha say man... or Live Happy, Die Fat

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my

husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he

uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet

paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in

front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this

take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my

breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk

again,

although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man

Caught an attitude t-shirt	Live Happy Die Fat

Blonde Jokes

Can you tell which one is the blonde?
..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
.

Its the one with the RIGHT leg up of course

Now for the t-shirt that goes with this!

I'm knot a blonde t-shirt

Funnies for women

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Keep reading - they get better!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman


wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a

television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping
with

me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him

legally."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes

and dislikes."

He addressed the man,

"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,

"It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a

ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some

tampons for your wife?

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to

the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of

tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a

word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women

use a day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat

everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who

should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here &

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait

for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the

Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed

him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says "HEBREWS"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home

and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his

wife to wake him

at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he

wrote on a piece of paper,

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would


find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM

and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his

wife hadn't wakened him,

when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a

rough draft before the masterpiece

Women's Ass Size Study

Cafepress has added maternity wear to their line of clothing. Here are 2 shirts that make me chuckle. I should have had these when I was pregnant and heard others complaining about small things. They didn't have to deal with nausea and being fat. So this is for them. No Kvetching!



And of course - today's joke!

Women's Ass Size study:



There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric

Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results

are pretty interesting:.



1) 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.



2) 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.



3) The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good

man and they would have married him anyway.

Southern BBQ

As every southerner knows it's time to get ready for that all important cooking technique of the south---outdoor grilling!

I have just found out that there are several stores (not just in the south) where you can get a FREE Bar-B-Q Grill! You can get a free BBQ grill from any of the following stores:

• A&P





• Albertsons





• Costco





• Dan's





• Food Lion





• Fry's





• Home Depot





• Kroger





• Big Lots





• Brookshire's





• Lowes





• Publix





• Safeway





• Sam's Club





• Target





• Vons





• Trader Joe's





• Wal-Mart





• Winn-Dixie

I especially like the higher rack - which can be used for keeping things warm!Just make sure to get a metal one...the Plastic one's don't do so well(I melted 3 of them.) Ya'll enjoy now!!Ya Heair

Now enjoy some t-shirts celebrating a great Southern city

I Love Atlanta t-shirts & Gifts

Atlanta Stars & Stripes t-shirts & Gifts

Math Humor

I thought this t-shirt might go with this joke. Enjoy!

BASIC MATH:

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took
my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and
gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking
at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her
to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he
tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.

Why do I tell you this?

Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

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1. Teaching Math In 1950

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5
of the price. What is his profit?

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2. Teaching Math In 1960

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5
of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

3. Teaching Math In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80.
Did he make a profit?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

4. Teaching Math In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80
and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

5. Teaching Math In 1990

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate
and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of
making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question:
How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There
are no wrong answers.)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

6. Teaching Math In 2005

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones
es $80.

Hillary's first night as president and other jokes

Ok.... its been a while. I've been working hard on a new shop - no politics in this one, just sports its at Sportschamp. I opened it at Printfection and up and coming t-shirt company with lots and lots of choices of colors and sizes and whats even better, their quality is SUPERB. So... enjoy todays jokes. And just for looking at my new shop, I have 2 very good ones


25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP



1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.



2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.



3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.



4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.



5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.



6. You watch the Weather Channel.



7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break
up."



8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.



9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."



10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door


won't turn down the stereo.



11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.



12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.



13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.



14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.



15 Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.



16. You take naps.



17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.



18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather


than settle, your stomach.



19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and

pregnancy tests.



20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."



21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.



22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never
going to

drink that much again."



23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.



24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.



25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead


of asking "Oh S*$# what the hell ha ppened?"



Bonus:

26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign

that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.

Then you forward it to a bunch of old pals & friends 'cause you know

they'll enjoy it & do the same.





Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you

can. -Danny Kaye.




***********************************



January 1 2009

HILLARY'S FIRST NIGHT AS PRESIDENT

Hillary Clinton

Was sworn in today as President

She has disposed of Bill and is spending her

first night alone in the White House.

She has waited several years for this.

FIRST NIGHT

Suddenly!

The ghost of George Washington appears to her,

and Hillary says,

"How can I best serve my country?"

Washington says, "Never tell a lie."

"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."

SECOND NIGHT

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...

Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Jefferson says,

"Listen to the people."

"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."

THIRD NIGHT

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...

Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Lincoln says,

"Go to the theater."