Church Lady Talks

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a

cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange
floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing
to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park
a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ,

keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

Jesus Saves, Passes to Moses, Shoots, Scores!
by

burntees

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How to tell the sex of a fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter


'What are you doing?' She asked.

'Hunting Flies' He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?' She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,

'3 were on a beer can,

2 were on the phone.

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Fall Classes for Men at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED

by Monday, Aug 30, 2007



NOTE: DUE T O THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL

OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8

PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.





Class 1

How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide

Presentation.

Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at

7:00 PM.

Class 2

The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself ?

Round Table Discussion.

Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3

Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The

Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.

Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4

Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The

Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.

Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5

Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen

Sink?

Examples on Video.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning

at 7:00 PM

Class 6

Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant

Other.

Help Line Support and Support Groups.

Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7

Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The

Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.

Open Forum.

Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8

Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your

Health.

Graphics and Audio Tapes.

Three nights ; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2

hours.

Class 9

Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life

Testimonials.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10

Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She

Parallel Parks?

Driving Simulations.

4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11

Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.

Online Classes and role-playing.

Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12

How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion

Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at

7:00 PM.

Class 13

How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Rememberin g Birthdays,

Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be


Late.

Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2

hours.

Class 14

The Stove/Oven-- What It Is and How It Is Used.

Live Demonstration.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will

be issued to the survivors.

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Modern conveniences

I thought everybody would get a laugh out of this!

This one is voting for that one. Obama
by

ashleymak

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Screwed Again

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl


in his office... but she was dating someone else.



One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give


you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..."



The girl looked at him, and then said, "NO!"



Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you
bend

down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."



She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her

boyfriend... so she called him and explained the situation.



Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast.


He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts
the

proposal.



Over half a n hour goes by and the boyfriend is still! waiting for his

girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks


what happened...? Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard


had all quarters!"



Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety


before agreeing to it and getting screwed.





Go in Hard and come out wet t-shirts and gifts

Women's jokes

Skinnier thighs t-shirt

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.

---------------------------------------------------------

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a

ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some

tampons for your wife?

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to

the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of

tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a

word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

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