Math Humor

I thought this t-shirt might go with this joke. Enjoy!

BASIC MATH:

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took
my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and
gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking
at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her
to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he
tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.

Why do I tell you this?

Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Teaching Math In 1950

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5
of the price. What is his profit?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2. Teaching Math In 1960

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5
of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

3. Teaching Math In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80.
Did he make a profit?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

4. Teaching Math In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80
and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

5. Teaching Math In 1990

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate
and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of
making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question:
How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There
are no wrong answers.)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

6. Teaching Math In 2005

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones
es $80.

Hillary's first night as president and other jokes

Ok.... its been a while. I've been working hard on a new shop - no politics in this one, just sports its at Sportschamp. I opened it at Printfection and up and coming t-shirt company with lots and lots of choices of colors and sizes and whats even better, their quality is SUPERB. So... enjoy todays jokes. And just for looking at my new shop, I have 2 very good ones


25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP



1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.



2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.



3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.



4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.



5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.



6. You watch the Weather Channel.



7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break
up."



8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.



9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."



10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door


won't turn down the stereo.



11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.



12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.



13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.



14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.



15 Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.



16. You take naps.



17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.



18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather


than settle, your stomach.



19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and

pregnancy tests.



20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."



21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.



22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never
going to

drink that much again."



23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.



24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.



25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead


of asking "Oh S*$# what the hell ha ppened?"



Bonus:

26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign

that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.

Then you forward it to a bunch of old pals & friends 'cause you know

they'll enjoy it & do the same.





Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you

can. -Danny Kaye.




***********************************



January 1 2009

HILLARY'S FIRST NIGHT AS PRESIDENT

Hillary Clinton

Was sworn in today as President

She has disposed of Bill and is spending her

first night alone in the White House.

She has waited several years for this.

FIRST NIGHT

Suddenly!

The ghost of George Washington appears to her,

and Hillary says,

"How can I best serve my country?"

Washington says, "Never tell a lie."

"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."

SECOND NIGHT

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...

Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Jefferson says,

"Listen to the people."

"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."

THIRD NIGHT

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...

Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Lincoln says,

"Go to the theater."

Emergency Room

The other day, I had to go to the emergency room . Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I went to the Army-Navy store, and bought some OD pants and a shirt. Then I sewed a couple of patches on which I grabbed from the internet.. It was amazing how many people left as I walked in. I guess they suddenly decided they weren't that sick after all..


Here's the patch that you can sew on your clothing if you are in need of quicker emergency service.







Illegal Immigration

When using the phrase "oh shit" is appropriate

I finally figured out what to do with all the jokes my retired uncle sends me. Post them here for all to enjoy!









































































Here's a humorous t shirt to go with this :

Unix humorous t-shirts

men's room

Now that you're laughing, here's some goofy Halloween t-shirts -




Goofy Halloween T

Homeland security

Important Homeland Security Info

At New York’s Kennedy airport today, a person later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a drafting triangle, a compass, and a calculator.

During a press conference the Attorney General said he believed the man was a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement and the FBI intends to charge him with transporting weapons of math instruction.

“Al-Gebra is a fearsum, transverse cult,” the Attorney General said. “As a group they seek means of average solutions by extremes, and sometimes randomly go off on tangents in search of absolute values. A member of al-Gebra may use acute alias such as ‘x’ or ‘y’ and refer to himself as an unknown identity, but we have determined that he is likely to belong to a common denominator — the axis of medieval that coordinates in every country.” The Attorney General continued, “Al-Gebra functions as a bunch of standard deviations that have been tribal since the time of Noah’s arc,” a remark that struck a chord with the media. “They are inordinate in terrorism, of that I’m abscissaly sure.

They use degrees of irrational subtrahend to create differences and conditional inequalities among friendly, discriminant nations, leading to arguments and making us less functional and coefficient in attaining our goals. And they have the international mobility of a swarm of loci. Give them an air matrix to inflate and a plot to set it on, and they can live anywhere. If necessary, we will pursue them to the corners of this Earthly sphere.”
He complemented this with the supplementary remark, “As the Greek philanderer Isosceles once said, ‘Never forget that there are three sides to every triangle, and sometimes two of them are normal.’ ” The Attorney General added, “As you can tell, I am not diagonally opposed to that prime concept.”

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush obtusely said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes. Next to bisectual marriages and those polygonists in Utah, I’m concerned about the significant places of such weapons. Tomorrow I intend to go to the hill and address Congruence about this situation. I have a volume of suggestions and a finite series of common solutions for them to consider.”
The President also warned, “These weapons of math instruction are without parallel and have the potential to decimal everything on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of an infinity Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of kindness. If we enter a phase in which all nations are integrated in all degrees of purpose, that steady state will give us slope for a better tomorrow, and we will all be infinitely better off. In such a case we could have our pi and eat it too.”

The President further declared, “I am gratified that we have been given a sine that al-Gebra is protracting this situation with calculusing disregard. Their murky statisticians plan to inflict plane of new dimensions on every sphere of influence,” he added. “Under these circumferences, we must differentiate their roots, make our points, draw our lines, and proportionally intersect these people throughout whatever area of the domain they range. And, above all, we must make sure that they can’t get their hands on radii active materials. That is one thing you can secant you? What we need is a higher quotient of linguists embedded with our troops so that they can interpolate the gibberish that al-Gebra uses to communicate. If we had that capability, we could periodically reach new limits of success as easily as falling off a natural log. Anything short of that could lead to some real, not imaginary, complex circumstances.”
The Secretary of Homeland Security added, “As our Great Leader would say, ‘Read my ellipse.’ The one angle that I am uncertainty of is that although al-Gebra will probability try to continuously multiply in theorem, their days are numbered as we draw the hypotenuse ever tighter around their necks.”

Here are some t-shirts that go with this joke!

Al-Gebra Ringer T	Al-Gebra Sweatshirt

More Al-Gebra items

A joke for today

Doesn't life just get too crazy once in a little while. Here's a good joke for today.

How To Clean Your Toilet

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample ! suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Sincerely,

The Dog

Here are a few shirts to go with this joke!

This place is just a cat house	Kitty Yoga Poses	Pluto is just a dog

Don't forget to visit my shop at Nitsupak