Christmas Post - Shocking News

Tragic News from Up North

yes we DID!

The election is over, the people have spoken and Barack Obama is going to be the new President of the United States. Here are some funny cartoons that celebrate!

Obama o8ama Yes We Did T-shirt by yes_we_did
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Yes We Did Obama Wins President T-shirt by yes_we_did
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Church Lady Talks

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a

cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange
floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing
to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park
a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ,

keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

Jesus Saves, Passes to Moses, Shoots, Scores!
by

burntees

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How to tell the sex of a fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter


'What are you doing?' She asked.

'Hunting Flies' He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?' She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,

'3 were on a beer can,

2 were on the phone.

Click on the image below to see & buy the gifts

Fall Classes for Men at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED

by Monday, Aug 30, 2007



NOTE: DUE T O THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL

OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8

PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.





Class 1

How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide

Presentation.

Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at

7:00 PM.

Class 2

The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself ?

Round Table Discussion.

Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3

Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The

Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.

Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4

Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The

Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.

Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5

Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen

Sink?

Examples on Video.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning

at 7:00 PM

Class 6

Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant

Other.

Help Line Support and Support Groups.

Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7

Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The

Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.

Open Forum.

Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8

Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your

Health.

Graphics and Audio Tapes.

Three nights ; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2

hours.

Class 9

Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life

Testimonials.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10

Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She

Parallel Parks?

Driving Simulations.

4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11

Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.

Online Classes and role-playing.

Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12

How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion

Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at

7:00 PM.

Class 13

How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Rememberin g Birthdays,

Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be


Late.

Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2

hours.

Class 14

The Stove/Oven-- What It Is and How It Is Used.

Live Demonstration.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will

be issued to the survivors.

Down To One Boss Retirement T-shirt Gifts
by

retirementgifts

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Modern conveniences

I thought everybody would get a laugh out of this!

This one is voting for that one. Obama
by

ashleymak

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Screwed Again

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl


in his office... but she was dating someone else.



One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give


you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..."



The girl looked at him, and then said, "NO!"



Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you
bend

down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."



She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her

boyfriend... so she called him and explained the situation.



Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast.


He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts
the

proposal.



Over half a n hour goes by and the boyfriend is still! waiting for his

girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks


what happened...? Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard


had all quarters!"



Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety


before agreeing to it and getting screwed.





Go in Hard and come out wet t-shirts and gifts

Women's jokes

Skinnier thighs t-shirt

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.

---------------------------------------------------------

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a

ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some

tampons for your wife?

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to

the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of

tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a

word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

Skinnier Thighs Magnet

Chutzpah

Latke Chef T-Shirt
by

holidaytime

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______________________________________________________________

Bill Gates advertised for a new chairman of Microsoft Europe. 5000 candidates
are assembled in a large room. One of them is Maurice Cohen, a little Jewish
Parisian Tunisian.



Bill Gates thanks the candidates for coming but asks all those who are not familiar
with the JAVA program language to leave.



2000 people rise and leave the room. Maurice Cohen says to himself, 'I do not
know this language but what have I got to lose if I stay? I'll give it a try'.



Bill Gates then asks all those who have no experience of managing teams of more
than 100 people to leave.



Another 2000 people go. Maurice Cohen says to himself, 'I have never managed
anybody but myself but what have I got to lose if I stay ? What can happen to
me?' Then Bill Gates asks all candidates who do not have outstanding academic
qualifications to rise and leave. 500 people remove themselves.



Maurice Cohen says to himself, 'I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose
if I stay? So he stays in the room.



Lastly, Bill Gates asks all of the candidates who do not speak the Serbo-Croat
language to rise and leave. 498 people rise and leave the room.



Maurice Cohen says himself, 'I do not speak Serbo-Croat but what the hell! -
have I got anything to lose?'



He finds himself alone with one other candidate. Everyone else has gone. Bill
Gates joins them and says: 'Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak
Serbo-Croatian. I'd like to hear you converse with one another in Serbo-Croatian.
Calmly Maurice turns to the other candidate and says to him:

'Baroukh ata Adonaï.'



The other candidate answers:

'Elohénou melekh ha'olam .'

My new car

I bought a new Lexus 330 but returned to the dealer the

next day because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

"Nelson," the salesman said to the radio.

The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" came from


the speakers.

Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant "Georgia

On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time

I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music.

If I said, "Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, a driver ran a red light and nearly creamed my

new Lexus, but I swerved in time to avoid him. I yelled,

"Ass Hole!"

Immediately Hail-to-the-Chief began playing.

I LOVE this car!

Obama 2008 Patriotic T-Shirt
by

choice2008

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McCain Palin Patriotic T-Shirt
by

choice2008

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Watch whatcha say man... or Live Happy, Die Fat

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my

husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he

uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet

paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in

front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this

take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my

breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk

again,

although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man

Caught an attitude t-shirt	Live Happy Die Fat

Letter from Ireland about US elections

So, its time for the US elections and everybody has something to say about it. And that voice is not limited to the United States. Here is a letter from a buddy in Ireland.

an e-mail from Ireland

An email from Ireland to all of their brethren in the States...a point to ponder despite your political affiliation:

'We, in Ireland, can't figure out why you people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.

On one side, you had a pants wearing female lawyer, married to another lawyer who can't seem to keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer, who goes to the wrong church, who is married to yet another lawyer, who doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run !

Now...On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts with the appropriate 'Mc' terminology, married to a good looking younger woman who owns a beer distributorship !!

What in God's name are ya lads thinkin over in the colonies !

Obama Irish T-Shirt by choice2008 Design a Custom T-Shirt At www.Zazzle.com See more Politics T-Shirts

McCain t-shirt by choice2008 Design a Customized T-Shirt At zazzle More Politics T-Shirts

IT'S TRUE!!!!!!

YOU GET 8 TICKETS TO ALL THE EVENTS,4 HOTEL ROOMS,FOOD, CAR & FREE ROUND
TRIP AIR FARE FOR 21 DAYS IN CHINA . GOOD LUCK

Answer the following questions to win tickets to the Olympic games.

1. Which student seems to appear tired / sleepy?

2. Which ones are male twins?

3. Which ones are the female twins?

4. How many women are in the group?

5. Which one is the teacher?

6. Which two just finished a joint?

?

?

?

?

?

?

I guess you're not going either.

China Soccer Players	China Soccer Team	Chinese Pandas count 1-10

HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES

Here is some extreme lexophilia for everybody's humor

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right
now.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U. C. L. A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in linoleum blownapart.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Acupuncture: a jab well done

Click Image View

Great Political Humor

The political humorists are at it again. Nothin' like a juicy sex scandal to spice up the political landscape is there? It seems like we haven't had this good a time with sex scandals since Bill Clinton's romps and escapes with lil' ol' Monica! (Shhhhh Chelsea might hear us - and tell us to Butt out! )

The funniest one I found is about that Detroit Mayor who has just screwed up publicly. Sort of a play on words from Bill's day. Click on the product to see the details

The next political clown who has screwed up is Elliot Spitzer. Imagine a guy who has everything risks it all for some stupid bimbo call girl? Guess he doesn't get it that if he is going to go after Escort services and its wrong for everybody else, it might just be wrong for him too. Bozo is all that is printable here. The text says "You Spitzer or You swallow? "

Last but not least we have Obama, who doesn't have a sex scandal, at least not yet..... But I put this here because Obama shirts are the most popular on the internet t-shirt stores . This one says, "Obama is my homeboy".

Till next time!

What graphic artists do in their spare time - A really good laugh

Here are some good laughs for the day. This is what graphic artists and some computer programmers do in their spare time!

Blonde Jokes

Can you tell which one is the blonde?
..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
.

Its the one with the RIGHT leg up of course

Now for the t-shirt that goes with this!

I'm knot a blonde t-shirt

Zazzle - PG-13 and up need not apply

I'm going to take a break from jokes to talk about a weird adventure I had with Zazzle, the online POD t-shirt company. I started a new election store called Choice2008 and I added this design called "Screw Hillary" . I never though it would be a problem because I have seen plenty of more strongly worded designs on Zazzle and every place else.


The big stuff hit the fan and FAST. Whew! The fallout was fast. First I got some angry comments, but then Zazzle sent me a strongly worded message that this design violates their terms of service and the only way I could have it is if I rated it PG-13 or ABOVE.

OK... .fine.... UNTIL I found out.... (drum roll) that if a design isn't rated "G", it not only isn't displayed in the Zazzle marketplace, NOBODY, but NOBODY can see the design in my shop unless they are logged into Zazzle.

Now wait a minute folks. How many members of the public, when they find my shop via Google are logged in? How many members of the public who find my shop via my blog or somebody else's blog are logged in? That tells me I effectively cannot promote this design because if I display it and you click on the designs, its Sorry Charlie, you aren't logged in. People aren't going to bother making a new account, they are going to move on to the next selection in Google.

Zazzle could easily remedy this market place issue by instituting what Google Images does. Google permits the end user to set search preferences for images to something they call Safe Search which permits you to set Strict Search or moderately strict search, or do not filter.

Anyway, I hope this gets resolved soon. I have heard from other Shopkeepers who have stores at Cafepress that they don't bother putting any more energy into their shops at Zazzle because their designs are PG-13 or above and they can't promote them.

And by the way, if you want to buy the Screw Hilliary design, its HERE

Cheers y'all. Tomorrow, back to some better jokes.